Is that a thing?

So I’m sat here thinking about life and stuff and how we are all very different. I mean we’ve got men, we’ve got women and we’ve got every shade in between. And while we are all very very different I can guarantee the we all have one thing in common…. We are all afraid of something!

Now I’m sure there are some well ard ones amongst us who deny this but believe me we all have our weaknesses!

Have you ever thought how many fears and phobias are out there, thousands I bet.

You’ve got your common or garden variety phobias; spiders, heights, small spaces, or for those of us wanting to impress, arachnophobia, acrophobia and claustrophobia but there are a massive number of more kooky ones out there. And I have to admit, besides the usual fear of spiders, I suffer with one of them kooky ones.

Imagine this…. Child’s new partner comes to visit for the first time. Now we all know there are certain key questions that this poor victim, I mean visitor has to answer with a suitability good response to be able to pass the test and become “one of the family”.

My welcome chat (read interrogation) would go something like this…

Hi…… (insert victims name)

So, where do you live? …. (allow time to answer!)

Do you work?

What’s your gross salary?

What’s your chances of promotion?

What is your credit rating?

Do you still live at home?

Do you have a criminal record?

Note you may notice these are quite blunt but I would be interjecting these with nice flowery questions and snippets of humour.

You could also bring it the baby photos to give the interrogee a breather if you see they are breaking out in a sweat. Perfect time for a brew and a hob nob too.

So I’d carry on..

What are your hobbies?

Are you a member of any dodgy organisation?

Leaver /remainer? (got to add a bit of political interest)

Do your family live close?

Do they earn lots of money? (thinking about the wedding)

Do you like cats? (now this is important to me but feel free to substitute any pet here or if you don’t have a pet you can ask about any animal you like in general I guess… Just don’t come across as weird)

So the questions continue to we get to the crux of the visit…

Do you love my son /daughter? (delete as applicable)

Will you always look after them?

Are you planning a long life together?

Do you own a cardigan?

Do you think you can spend the rest of your life never wearing one…. ever?

There you have it. I have a complete and utter fear of the c- word things and the b-words (whispers button). I even hate typing the words. They make me feel physically sick and I must wash my hands if I touch one.

I don’t know how it started but my mum tells me I managed to “lose” every one she made me as a child.

I study people close to me and on tele to see if they have them on and I cannot focus on anything else till they have gone. Sounds stupid I know but it has been with me as long as I can remember.

I can’t understand how people can put them on (find an alternative damn you, there are some lovely jumpers and jackets or there) and it beggars belief how many there are out there in the world. If I ruled the world, they would be banned big style!

And why do people buy clothes that have buttons all over them for heavens sake. Have you seen the Tesco clothes range this winter… They’re f***ing every where!

Embrace zips peeps… They’re the way forward!

I have managed my entire life to avoid owning them and my poor family haven’t either. My hubby knows it’s more that his life’s worth to get one and my kids haven’t had one other than my son wanted one years ago when he discovered fashion and owned one briefly until I accidentally ruined it in the wash!

Also my pink one had one but only as she accused me of being cruel and I didn’t want to have to explain to Social Services the reasons why!

“Mrs Bailey, we have had a phone call from your daughter and she says you are being nasty. Can you explain?”

Me “Ummmm”

She finally put her foot down after years of wearing a school sweatshirt and insisting on having one as all her friends did. I had to give in to that but luckily she was old enough to put it on herself. We didn’t cuddle much that year!

This phobia has a name so that must mean there are others out there with the same affliction, saying that my nephew has an issue with this too… I’ve trained him well! It’s called Koumpouniphobia for what it’s worth.

This is a weird one I admit but I’ve looked into other phobias lately and there are some well – wacky ones around.

Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Now I don’t like peanut butter so can’t relate to this but I do get a bit scared when I get a tangy cheese dorito wedged in there so kind of get the idea.

Oikophobia is a fear of kitchen goods. I really don’t get this one as I can’t think of any thing more exciting that getting a new white good in my kitchen, unwrapping it, putting the shelves where you want them, getting a huge whiff of that new plastic smell.

And then if you have bought a new fridge, you get to arrange your cheese, your eggs (that you know shouldn’t really be stored in the fridge but you have a new egg rack which means it must be legal), your Utterly Butterly, and your half drunk bottle of Zinfandel. This is your opportunity to clear out the salad drawer too, scrape off the dried cucumber from the bottom of the drawer and throw out the strawberries that used to be red and lovely but are now growing a new strain of penicillin that could kill all viruses known to man!

Any way back to the phobias…

Anatidaephobia is the fear of somewhere, somehow a duck watching you. Can’t quite figure this one out. I know they say you are always within 5 feet of a rat but what’s the chances of a duck being close by when you are walking through town on your way to Greggs to get your vegan sausage roll. I think this is a part time phobia, invented by a weirdo, or just for the people who live near water.

And finally, triskaidekaphobia which is an irrational fear of the number 13. How would a sufferer manage when they turn 13.

How old are you?

Guess?

15?

Lower….

14?

Lower….

12?

Higher….

This is the perfect way to lose friends so now this poor child is a triskaidekaphobic, autophobic with an unnatural fixation for Play Your Cards Right!

This list is endless. Google it, I bet you find some phobias you can relate to and you can add them to your CV.

Feel free to call in to chat about your new found phobias. Just do me a favour, wear a jumper……..

6 thoughts on “Is that a thing?

  1. Having 3 28-year-old daughters ( who are definitely not all mingers , if I say so myself ! ) I’m actually quite relieved not to have had to deal with boyfriends yet ( OK , or girlfriends – I’ll be open-minded ) . One has aclose male friend who was part of a group & has stayed round our house ( afyer wslking her home from a nightcluband been on holiday with her on her first time flying abroad ( again as part of a group ) and I managed to confuct a fairly sane ( I thought & he actually seemed quite chilled with ot ) text conversation with him about keeping her safe etc , . I don’t think I have any irrational fears ( absolutely love thst fuck one ) other tjan falling off things ( balsnce issues ) and outliving my kids .

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    1. I’m glad you’re phobia free but you’re right, outliving your children is a scary one. You might want to read your comment again! You confused me when I think you are referring to ducks! 😂

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