The perfect wife, my arse!

So, I read this article the other day on good old honest Facebook. It was about how the 50’s wifey should treat their hubby. It got me thinking about how the 50’s man would survive in the 21st century. I’ve rewritten the rules for the modern woman of today.

1.) Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

Right, so of course I’m concerned about my man, but he gets what he’s given. If you can cook and have the time, go for it. If you can’t or don’t, have a quick rummage in the freezer, grab something that doesn’t look too ice damaged and plonk it in the oven. If you really can’t cook get down the Happy Shopper and get a ready meal and when you serve it up, remember to hide the rubbish in the bin (if you recycle this could be tricky and will require planning on your part as to where you can hide the dish) and ponce up your plate with a nicely sliced tomato and a bit of parsley.

If the dinner looks a bit dry, add a jus. If you know what a jus is, crack on but if not get some ketchup and Worcester sauce, or maybe mayo and chilli dip. Mix them together and serve with the dinner. To look extra posh put it in a little dish on the side.

If you don’t have any suitable crockery to do this, use either a coffee jar lid or one of the little sauce tubs you’ve nicked from McDonalds last time you were there sneakily without the kids, stuffing chicken selects in your face and trading in your Monopoly winning sticker for a free cheeseburger.

2.) Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

See above. As for his favourite meal, if you train him right, is favourite meal will be a really easy one to put together for him or will be number 72 with half and half and a carton of curry sauce on the Lucky Dragon takeaway menu….Free delivery on orders over £15 so make it worthwhile.

3.) Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

With this one, when you know he is due in, get upstairs and wipe your fanny and armpits with a wet wipe. Check your face for chocolate smudges and your cleavage for crisp crumbs. Spray a bit of the perfume you got for Christmas but don’t really like that much but at least this way you are saving your good stuff.  

Think about whether you have the time or the energy to push out a poo otherwise you may end up farting all evening from the chocolate and crisp snack combination you have shoved down your gob while sat watching Jeremy Kyle. Last but not least, check your hair doesn’t need another blast of dry shampoo and if you have a ribbon, feel free to put it in your hair. You’re gonna look fucking ridiculous if you are over the age of 18 but if that floats your boat who am I to stop you?!

4.) Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Find something interesting to talk about if you do get the urge to communicate. Do not go straight in with the kids and their dramas though. If you have nothing good to say, don’t worry, he probably doesn’t want to talk to you either! Silence is golden apparently.

Certainly don’t talk about the three Jeremy Kyle programmes you have just watched back to back. He is not interested in Patricia’s love triangle with her cousin and her drug counsellor nor does he want to know that Ronald did in fact impregnate Trish from number 40 whilst staying at her house whilst on a break from his wife, a break that the wife didn’t know about but it’s ok because she slept with Dirk and his friend Clive the night before and now wants to go live in a hippy commune in Brighton and wants a divorce from Ronald if he fails the lie detector test.  He failed but at least he had all his teeth.

5.) Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Now as far as I’m concerned houses are to be lived in and if you leave clutter out, it becomes invisible eventually. If you were to tidy up clutter with no warning I guarantee he’ll notice and this will cause drama I can assure you. Be safe…don’t tidy up.

I would say though, make sure you turn the tv over to a good channel, so he doesn’t know that you have spent the afternoon watching daytime tv. The news channel is always a winner. It makes you look intelligent.

Finally spray a bit of Febreze around. It’ll give the impression that you have spring cleaned and will buy you another day of laziness.

6.) Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

If he comes in and complains he’s cold, tell him to man up and get a jumper on. If the windows are open because you are having a full on hot flush, tell him to suck it up as a hot menopausal woman is not to be messed with. If you are not in this shit stage of your life, count your blessings and make up your own excuse…who am I, your mother!!!?

7.) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.

Shout at the kids to wipe the bean juice from tea from their faces and throw a tea towel in their general direction. Again for boogers, the tea towel will do if you have nothing else to hand or as a last result the sleeve of dad’s jacket that he left on the back of the chair. He won’t notice I promise, not that I’ve done this of course.

8.) Children are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

This is the time to chuck the kids back upstairs, not that they wouldn’t have legged it already after their super healthy dinner of turkey dinosaurs, potato waffles and beans. You know they’ll be safe in their rooms killing people on Fortnite or building odd-shaped walls with Minecraft and you won’t see them till the morning but make sure you shout upstairs, just in case anyone outside is listening, to remember to have a break every 30 minutes from the screen and not to play on the Xbox for more than 2 hours and to read their library book before bed.

9.) Be happy to see him. Free him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him.

As stated before, silence is golden but feel free to show how happy you are to see him by maybe singing to yourself as you go about your chores. I don’t recommend that you sing “Are you gonna bingo?” constantly but choose a song that is light and soothing and something hubby would enjoy…..the National Anthem maybe!

10.) You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make sure he bends your ear first about how shit his day was and how he hates his job before you even open your mouth. The fact that you have the worst job ever and am paid minimum wage for the banal crap you have to do on a daily basis is obviously way more important, but you aren’t going to get a word in edgeways, so you might as well wait your turn.

Whatever you do, do not talk politics and especially Brexit. If it’s like our house, one voted to leave and one voted to remain and it’s been carnage ever since. If you are holding out for sex later, definitely do not talk Brexit!

11.) Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Never complain if he comes home late, just go out yourself! Make sure the kids are fed first though, ask the neighbour to watch them and you fuck off to a place of entertainment too. Even if you have nowhere to go, or no one to go with, go somewhere…even if it is back to McDonalds for those chicken selects. After all you need some more sauce cups!

12.) Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where you husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Let’s be honest the only time the house is a place of peace and tranquillity is when the whole family is on holiday in Bude, Benidorm or Bahamas (other destinations are available) so don’t even try. As for hubby needing to renew himself in body or spirit, the only ones getting anything renewed are us women and by this I mean, new eyebrows, new hair dye, new Botox, new shoes etc.

13.) Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Keep these complaints till later. He’ll be in a much better place to sit there and ignore you when he has a full stomach and is vegging in front of the tv. This is the time to complain about your lack of clothes and if you do this well, he’ll agree to giving you money without even knowing it.

This is also the time to get him to sign important documents, like the second mortgage application that needs his signature, as you have run up debt playing Jackpot Joy bingo whilst watching Jeremy Kyle and now you are receiving some nasty looking visitors that don’t want to talk about Jesus or ask how you are going to vote at the next election (heaven help us all!)

14.) Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

If he’s late fair enough I guess but if stays out all night, please don’t rant and rave when he eventually turns up. Just deck the fucker……

15.) Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

He probably won’t want to lie down in the bedroom as he’ll want to watch tv first. By all means let him get comfy as long as he doesn’t sit in your seat or gets between you and your phone charger. Getting him a drink may prove tricky depending on what he likes. The gin bottle that you have slowly been working your way through each afternoon, as you know, has been topped up with water so he may be able to tell. Probably best to get him to drink coffee or tea until you have finished the gin bottle and replaced it with a new one. Whisky and dark rum works the same way but in this case I’d use cold tea, without the milk obviously!

Some men like fine wine and there is nothing wrong with opening a bottle of Chateau Neuf du Pape as recommended by Jilly Goolden or if your man is a simple guy, make sure you have a slab of Fosters in ready.

16.) Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Now, if he has promised you money or signed the second mortgage application, now is the time to put the ribbon in your hair and settle yourself down in front of him and give him a BJ. He’ll love you forever.

17.) Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment of integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

This statement is obviously wrong as everyone knows that the woman is always right. Let him believe that he is master of all he surveys. Let him wear the trousers but make sure you choose which pair!

18.) A good wife always knows her place.

See number 16…….!