The menopausal years by Vanessa Bailey aged 51¼!

Dec 25th 2017. Dear diary.

Deck the halls with towels and tampons…. fa la la la la la la la laaaa.

Mother Nature made me come on…. fa la la la la la laaa

Why today… today of all days…..fa la la la la la la la laaa

Bloody good job I’ve stockpiled Always! ….. fa la la la la la la la laaa

Lucky me – I’ve had  lots of lush presents including this lovely diary (that I’m going to write in every day with a full encounter of my day) and a pigging period on Christmas Day. As if I’m not busy enough as it is. I’m up to my eyes in sprouts and 2 types of stuffing because my pink one choses to be gluten free today, and could really do without this.

Pass the wine….

Dec 26th 2017. Dear diary. I’ve changed my mind. My days are going to be pretty repetitive – got up, went to work, had breakfast, worked, yada yada yada. I’m not going to bore you with it so I’m just going to write about my mid life drama’s as and when they happen….much more interesting…..and shorter!

Feb 14th 2018. Dear diary. Happy Valentine’s day to me. Not had Mother Nature visit for a few weeks. Enjoying this while it lasts.

April 20th 2018. Dear diary. Still no sign of the crimson tide. Saw the doc today to confirm I was pre-M. Told him I’ve had the odd mini flush but if this was the worst it got I could deal with this.

He was happy when I convinced him that I was doing exercise (admitttedly my body doesn’t look like it has seen a gym in 20 years, but I have boxing gloves to prove it!). We both parted on good terms. I’ve got this!

May 8th 2018. Dear diary. Spoke too soon. Mother Nature has visited with plenty of luggage. Gonna keep Proctor & Gamble in profit this month (other surf boards are available!!

I lost my keys today. I found them in the fridge. I’ve not told the family, they don’t need to know!

June 27th 2018. Dear diary. God, have a word please – I really don’t want a period every 2 weeks. I have stuff to do…and I still like sex!

August 30th 2018. Dear diary. I’ve just emptied the shelves in Tesco of their Always number 4 variety! Had a hot flush last night too. Slid off the bed I was that sweaty! Currently washing the bedding.

September 8th 2018. Dear diary. I’m so tired. I can’t remember the last time I slept right through. Hubby goes to bed at 10 and I wait and I wait and I wait etc, for tiredness to hit. It never does so I go up anyway because it seems the sensible thing to do cos I’m old and have work the next day. I then lie there and try everything. I tried counting sheep but I could never round them all up so gave up with that.

I tried being mindful and concentrating on my breathing but I’m pretty much a mouth-breather and it’s not a nice sound!

I tried the relaxation thing when you squeeze your muscles really tight, starting from your feet and working up to your head. Trouble was hubby kept feeling the bed move when I clenched and thought I was rubbing one out so had to stop!

I did eventually drift off, through manic bouts of restless leg where I fidget and kick out uncontrollably. The poor cat is used to being flung off the bed several times a night when my left leg has a life of it’s own.

October 31st 2018. Dear diary. Happy Hallowe’en bitches. Feeling decidedly evil today…god help the trick or treaters. Saying that me and hubby are in a caravan in Burnham on Sea having a kid free break, eating copious amounts of food off those stylish Wetherspoon-blue plates while on our little Sun Holiday bargain.

We’re avoiding the bingo in the main room like the plague. I can’t see the appeal of a man shouting random numbers, with sexual nuances, out to a room full of people who are armed with dabbers, who get excited when they get to call “line” or “house” (or “me, I won, I won” if they don’t know the rules) and win 20p for their efforts.

November 17th 2018. Dear diary. Who am I?

December 31st 2018. Dear diary. New Year’s Eve and not feeling the love right now. My face leaked several times today simply because it’s the end of the year. I’m going to have a chat with myself.

January 5th 2019. Dear diary. I think I’m broken.

Feb 15th 2019. Dear diary. Happy birthday to me. I’m 51 years young! Just had the mother of all periods but had a good day. Everyone was nice to me and 100+ people on FB wished me happy birthday. Surely this means I’m a goddess!

Feb 28th 2019. Not felt so good the last few days. Had a good moan to my friend over 2 coffees and an ice-cream…..and chicken nuggets … and chips….and mozzarella dippers!

March 5th 2019. Dear diary. Pancake day today. My first pancake was shit! Does this happen to everybody because it happens to me every bloody year? My first one looks like a pile of wanky diarrhoea, but the others are perfect…and homemade I might add. None of this shaking bottle shit in my house!

I’ve also broken out in spots on either side of my chin, looks like a baby’s dribble rash. I am not prepared to slap Sudocreem on my face though….everyone will have to take me as I am even though I do look infectious! My friend had great pleasure commenting on my spot situation but did reassure me it is hormonal!

April 19th 2019. Dear diary. Good Friday. Don’t know what is so effing good about it. I’m glad to be off work though as I’m ready to kill someone! Is it just me that gets really pissed off at the slightest thing? I think I need a miracle this weekend. If Jesus can have one, so can I.

My periods have disappeared again too…weird, but in a good way.

April 21st 2019. Dear diary. Nobody bought me an Easter egg so I’m nicking the kids. NEED CHOCOLATE !

May 2nd 2019. Dear diary. Think I’m on the verge of being arrested. Everything makes me mad. Talk about road rage, I have life rage. I’m poised to seriously hurt the next person who talks too loudly, cuts me up driving, is rude to me, looks at me the wrong way, looks at me full stop!

May 14th 2019. Dear diary. Finally gave in and went to see the doc. My boss sent me home early yesterday after I cried….awks!

I was fine until she said, “Are you ok?” at which point I said “Yes” then I said “No” then my face crumpled up! I am not the most attractive lady especially when I cry so tried to reign it in and look dignified!  Epic fail.

Told the doc I’m running the risk of inflicting pain on someone! She was soooo nice and put me on the good old HRT. It took her a while to find one in stock mind, due to Brexit.

Whose bloody idea was Brexit and who’s idea was it to call it Brexit. Bet they won £10 for putting that idea in the suggestion box. I’m not going to Google it as I may scare myself….HRT, not Brexit!

Finally managed to leave the docs with printed paper in hand. Went straight to the chemist but because of good old Brexit again, the chemist is only allowed so many boxes in a month – can you believe it!

Came home hot and happy but empty handed.

May 16th 2019. Dear diary. The chemist delivered – I have my little paper bag in my hand as I write! I’m like a child at Christmas.

May 17th 2019. Dear diary. Going on holiday today, very excited. Wasn’t going to take my cure with me just in case I had an odd reaction or something. Don’t really know what I am expecting!

I’ve packed it though…we’ll see.

May 22nd 2019. Dear diary. So, I’m on holiday in Zante – very nice I might add. I’m very chilled and without a care in the world after seeing the adorable turtles yesterday, so thought I’d crack open the HRT. Took my 1st little white tablet hidden under the Wednesday window this morning.

No murderous tendencies or desires to throw myself under the nearest Greek sewerage lorry today but that could be because I’ve had a few cocktails – courtesy of Happy Hour!

May 25th 2019. Dear diary. Home from holidays – had a fab time. No 3rd tit has appeared as I expected due to the hormonal increase. I also don’t have a beard, well any more than usual…it’s all good!

May 31st 2019. Dear diary. Had an extra week off work too as suggested by my boss (who am I to argue) so am feeling very chilled right now.

June 3rd 2019. Dear diary. Back to work – I AM ON FIRE! (with no brain fuzz I mean, not a hot flush!)

June 5th 2019. Dear diary. Feeling very good indeed. I’ve done my 2 weeks of little white oestrogen-filled babies and am now on the green spinach-looking progesterone ones.

June 6th 2019. Dear diary. Came on! FFS

June 14th 2019. Dear diary. I’m still checked in to the Red Roof Inn! My hubby thinks I’m pulling a fast one! I’m not. I’m genuinely still on and in need of a good seeing to but I have standards!

On the plus side though I am feeling brave enough to go back to my fitness classes. I need to find my core muscles as my stomach has somehow expanded beyond belief in all directions. My core muscles are currently in hibernation behind my kidneys, fully aware that they are just not up to the job of holding in my belly! There used to be a hint of a womanly shape on my abdominal region, albeit a few inches wider than it should be but now it’s all bleurgh. I look like humpty dumpty even after a big poo.

June 19th 2019 Dear diary. Just finished my 1st pack and Aunt Flo is STILL here. On the up side though I’m feeling very happy and smiley and not at all wall-flowery. I don’t want to hurt anyone and more importantly, I feel intelligent!

June 21st 2019. Dear diary. Day 2 of my second packet and my period his finally finishing. This stay in the Red Roof Inn lasted 16 days and cost me a bleeding fortune, excuse the pun! I think this is a record for me. Now I’m asking my self whether HRT is worth it. I’ve decided to write down the goods and bads to weigh it all up

There … the pros have it, so I need to persevere!

22nd June 2019. Dear diary. Shit fuck bollocks poo wank piss….had a shitty day today! The kids tested every single nerve I possess today. You know those days when you rage clean? This was me today. But finding the positives, my house smells nice!

They survived I might add although my blue one probably can’t remember a thing as he went out. He can’t remember passing out in town whilst wrapped around a concrete bin. He can’t remember PC Dave driving round with me to pick him up. He can’t remember PC Dave pouring him into my car with his jeans around his knees and his Spiderman boxers on show to the world. He can’t remember the long walk to my house from the car with me trying to hold him and his trousers upright. He can’t remember collapsing on my sofa. He can’t remember me pulling him around trying to cover my sofa with towels as no one barfs on my furniture! He can’t remember me sleeping downstairs with him and flying up every time he ralphed to catch the spewage. He can’t remember apologising to me a million times. He can’t remember telling me that he loves his friend sooo much! I so wish I took a photo so I could share with you!

23rd June 2019. Dear diary. I admit I’m impressed. My boy got up at 10.30, got to work for 11 and lasted all day. He looked normal when he came in too.  Ate a full roast dinner and then showered and went to bobos.

If I have a few too many, and by that I mean 5 drinks as I’m a lightweight, it takes me 3 days to recover….jammy b*****d.

29th June 2019. Dear diary. Quiet weekend, no real news. I’m on HRT pack 2 so no doubt I’ll be on another mammoth period soon but luckily me and hubby squeezed in a quickie! 😊

It’s payday weekend so Chinese takeaway all round, hubby won his cricket match, blue one stayed in tonight, pink one is loved up with her fella, gonna be all domesticated tomorrow and make quiche, house is clean, life’s good….for now!